*WARNING! WARNING! This is parody.

The judge’s actual words are in black. I moved whole sentences around a bit. Maybe I should practice law; I already truncate sentences and splice phrases from different paragraphs together. I did change third person to second person “you” statements without using [brackets]. Where I am surmising what Judge Rudofsky is thinking, the text is blue. The way I wish I could write in my appellate brief is in red.

Judge Rudofsky:

Pending before the Court is Defendant PRA’s Motion for Taxable Costs. Pursuant to Rule 54(d)(1) and 28 U.S.C. § 1920, PRA requests $8356.18 in costs. You make numerous arguments as to why the Court should not impose the requested costs. Your arguments are not persuasive. No arguments or reasoning can influence me, because I have a solemn pact to protect the interests of Walmart, and PRA buys billions of dollars of worthless debts from GE Capital Walmart. We gotta get PRA paid. Accordingly, the Court GRANTS PRA’s Motion.

Laura Lynn:

But you are not following the law and you are falsifying the record.

Judge Rudofsky:

I do want to tell you that I am not one of those judges who gets concerned or worried or upset about appeals. I get paid the same whether I get it right or get it wrong. In fact, the cabal gives me extra points if I keep the masses in their place. I’m on the fast track to a position as Grand Poobah.

Laura Lynn:

But, your honor, I am a 61-year-old with severe Hashimoto’s Disease and stress related insomnia. It is difficult for me to take a job, because I never know if I will have the energy to leave the house. I am trying to make money writing, but that is difficult. That is why I didn’t use my bachelor’s degree in journalism right after graduation and worked in real estate instead. I lost all my relatively liquid assets in the COVID-Crash and live on a $639 per month pension.

Judge Rudofsky:

Liar! Elsewhere you state that your monthly income is $630.

Laura Lynn:

I’m sorry. It’s not that I was too tired to look up my deposit receipts or my pinky finger slipped when I reached for the 9. I was trying to keep one extra vegetarian salad at Chipotle each month without reporting it.

Judge Rudofsky:

Plebeian. You also cite to 15 U.S.C. § 1692(k). § 1692 does not have a subsection (k). You mean § 1692k.

Laura Lynn:

I beg your forgiveness. My sister Mary Sherman is right. I am a “moron”.

It seems a little Draconian though, to make me pay more than a year’s pension for the debt buyer’s costs, when I could not afford to pay for the depositions that you said would help my case.

Judge Rudofsky:

You have not shown that you are currently so destitute that awarding taxable costs would be inequitable. You do not note what your expenses are.

I do not believe that you can’t get by on $639 per hour and still pay PRA’s costs. Attorneys like James Trefil get paid half that and pay their bills. Well, maybe not James Trefil, but you understand my point.

Laura Lynn:

But Your Honor, I said $639 per month.

Judge Rudofsky:

That does not create — a more favorable situation for you were this to go to a jury than you had before. In fact, if it does anything, it hurts you, but I just don’t think it makes any difference one way or the — or the other. Notwithstanding your status of a poverty level income, you appear to concede that you have assets of at least $70,000 in a capital account.

Laura Lynn:

Your Honor, (exasperated), that money is being held by my sisters who refuse to dissolve a family-owned limited liability company that has no purpose to exist, other than to hold my capital. That is what one of my 12 lawsuits over a lifetime is about. That Court, Judge Linda Lopez, said that my sisters are using reasonable business judgment to decide that my capital is assets of the company and dissolution is not required as long as the company holds assets.

It is on appeal.

Judge Rudofsky:

Oh, that is wonderful. I’m sure Linda appreciates you appealing. I think it’s a great part of our system and, quite frankly, it makes me feel better that there are other judges looking over my shoulder who can tell me if they think I got it right.

Laura Lynn:

What if they think you got it wrong?

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Please consider helping me defray the costs of appealing this order. I am considering framing a question to SCOTUS: When a federal district judge, who cannot be fired according to the will of the people, dismantles the FDCPA, is he making an unconstitutional power grab?

You can CashApp a donation to $CoolOldStuff. Or contact me at bohemian_books@yahoo.com. Especially if you can contribute free legal representation or know an organization that pays filing fees for people who can’t qualify as in forma pauperis. Thank you. (This is a gift to an individual, not a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization.)